Giving Up

I'm currently doing one-to-one tuition full time via an agency, at a small high school that I quite like.

But the first week of term was horrible - I was permanently anxious. My main worry seemed to be that although I may be safe for now, at some point I was going to have to return to proper classroom teaching.

And then two things happened:

1) One of the supply agencies rang and told me about a full time teaching vacancy, to start asap. At a school with a dodgy reputation. I tried to say it was too far away (it wasn't), but they saw through that oen straight away, were really pushy, and next thing I knew they were sending my CV off. The very idea terrified me.

2) I discovered that another NQT in a very similar situation... bullied out of her previous school and currently doing full time one-to-one... had been given some classes to teach by the school she was one-to-one-ing at. That also terrified me.

Underneath all this was the constant underlying terror of what would happen when the one-to-one work dried up and I was back to being a bog-standard supply teacher, which would mean waiting for the phonecall from 7.30 every morning and never know if or when you might be working, and where the hell they might send you next.

Maybe it would be better if I'd ever actually done the supply teaching thing. But I never have - I went straight from waiting for the call at 7.30am every morning to getting the full time one-to-one gig. I've only ever experienced the dread of it - not the actual thing itself.

I started to dream about other things I might be doing... and realised that [i]anything[/i] feels preferable at the moment. Which is ridiculous.

So I've started applying for bog-standard office work, and I've registered with a non-education temping agency, and I'm looking into going back into my previous career. I tried my ex employer but they were too worried about my skills being out of date to take me back on. So I'm doing some work on brushing my skills back up again, and I hope very soon to remove myself from the books of the supply agencies.

Sadly I'm even struggling with the one-to-one work at the moment. This is a shame, because it's actually very easy, it's short hours, it's even enjoyable at times, and I could get at least another four weeks' work out of it. But I can't relax. Now that I've decided I want to give up teaching, I don't like being in a school environment. I don't like being reminded of (a) all the things I'm rubbish at, and (b) (paradoxically) all the things I'll miss.

Also I have to keep all this to myself, so when the well-meaning head of maths talks to me about my future career, I have to play along, just in case I can't find work doign anything else or I have a change of heart. I don't want to burn my bridges.

I'm still, for instance, registering with a private tuition agency. Mainly for the money, but also to keep my hand in. I haven't ruled out A level teaching, so if I can get some A level tuition that will help with that part of my CV.

And there's a job that's just come up... at a nice independent grammar school with a sixth form... small class sizes... not starting til January...

Ironically now that I'm making serious moves to get work in my previous career (I'm now registered with several relevant agencies, my CV is being circulated and I already have a potential employer interested), I feel more confident to apply for a teaching job. If I get a different job starting soon, then my January I'll have a couple of months' different, more successful, experience under my belt and I'll (hopefully) know that I don't [i]have[/i] to be teacher. My self confidence might have rallied a little, and the pressure will be off because I only have to do another two NQT terms and then I could go back to the other career.

It's just so annoying to think I might have gone through two years of hell and have nothing to show for it. If I could only get that NQT pass under my belt.

Whatever. I know that for the moment I don't want to go anywhere near a classroom, and I'm taking positive steps to remove myself... and that feels good.

After all, I can now admit that I never really enjoyed teaching. I felt like I ought to, and like maybe one day I might start to, but I never actually did. And although it is supposed to get easier with time, when I think about my colleagues at my last place... there were days when they all looked half-dead. And that included the good ones, the experienced ones, the outstanding ones and the ones who claimed to love their jobs. And it's only going to get worse under the Tories. And I still have another two NQT terms to go, with all the grading and the observing and the judging and the constant fear that it will happen again - that I'll think I'm doign all right and then they'll turn aroudn at the end of term and tell me I'm shit. The very worry that it might happen will make it more likely to happen, because of the effect that it has on my confidence.

Nah. Not for me. Not just now, anyway.