The first two weeks of my PGCE were brilliant. There was a brief sulking period: I'm BRILLIANT at maths and why on EARTH did they make me do a two-week subject booster (never mind that I hadn't studied maths since I graduated two decades ago, duh). But the resentment faded as soon as I realised it meant two whole weeks doing nothing but maths. Hurrah! (seriously: hurrah. I really do love maths) (and not only do I love maths, but I love being a pupil) (maybe this bit deserves its own paragraph).
One of the things that helped me decide to be a teacher was the two days I spent observing the maths department in a local high school. It was old and shabby and I felt utterly at home. My previous life had involved shiny offices and shiny shoes, and I was never entirely comfortable. Here the walls were flaky and the women didn't wear make up and I was transported to the days of my geeky youth. I was happy. Most people don't seem to have positive memories of adolescence or school, but I do. I love to be taught, particularly by an actual teacher who will interact and answer your questions - and that's why I spent most of my school years dreaming of becoming a teacher myself.
So why did it take me twenty years? Because I was told not to trust my dreams. My rosy teenage imaginings involved classes of wide-eyed children soaking every drop of maths that fell from my lips and eagerly asking for more. But as an undergraduate I had friends who were teachers, and they were all miserable. It's nothing like you want it to be, they said. It's all bureaucracy and pressure and miserable proscriptive crap. You'll hate it.
So I didn't do it.
And then here I was, years later, jobless and staring at a recession and wondering what on earth I could do with my life, and there it was. Teaching. I'd never forgotten the childhood dream, and this time I thought my realism would carry me through. I would walk into it with eyes open, knowing the difficulties and the constraints and not expecting too much, but still...
One of my lines at interview, a cynical giz-a-job manoeuvre but nevertheless containing some truth, went something like this: "I was put off teaching 20 years ago by people who said I would hate it. I listened to them, and I don't think I should have done. They hated it, but why should I have to be the same? Why assume failure before I've even tried? There are people who love teaching, and they're the ones who expect the best and don't assume the worst. Why shouldn't I be one of them? I think I can be, and I want to be."
I was proud of that line. They drank it up. It helped me get my first teaching job.
And now?
I talk to people now, and the advice I get varies between two extremes:
1) "Don't be cowed by the people who tell you you're rubbish. You CAN do this. Don't give up. Keep strong."
and
2) "You're clearly not enjoying teaching. Why are you putting yourself through this? Why do you have to keep suffering? Sometimes the strong thing to do is to admit defeat and move on."
There were several points in The Job That Died when I determined to soldier on, and people praised me for my strength. And then I changed my mind, and chucked the job... and people praised me for my strength. Hmm.
There's a chance I've just chosen the wrong career path, and the longer I do it the more I'll fail and be stressed and miserable and have my confidence eroded... so that the longer I stick with it, the more damaged and depressed I'll be when I finally have to give up on it, and the more of my life I'll have wasted. But the longer I stick with it, the harder it is to give up on it, because maybe I can enjoy it and be good at it, and what a waste it would be if I didn't allow myself that opportunity.
[sigh]
But I loved those first two weeks.
5 comments:
Hello Miss.
I still think that anyone who understands C++ is vastly more clever than I am (if the comment seems too cryptic, feel free to delete it).
Though I've never taught, my work involves dealing every day with teachers, including a small group of highly experienced hugely inspirational teachers who are employed directly by my organisation. These super-brilliant teachers have taught me (ha!) two things: that different schools have vastly different cultures and some schools can be soul-destroying while others are wholly supportive in ways that can be hard to pin down; that just about everyone who isn't superhuman hates their first two or three years of teaching - comes home in tears, wondering why on earth they're doing it - but it comes together. They've taught me that there is no such thing as a 'natural' teacher, that some people are wholly unsuited to it but most teachers learn to be teachers, and it takes time.
Think of ways you could get a mentor? Or find some CPD outside of your training which might give you another perspective to come at it from? I'm sure you're intelligent enough to have sought lots of advice and support from others with more direct experience than me! But there's my little scrap of insight on the offchance it might be of use. Stay strong, and do whatever is right for you, whatever it is xxxxx
About your paras 1) and 2) - well 2 seems to be quoting the clearheadedness of the quitter who needs approbation, and 1 reminds me of how many times I've been stupidly diverted by OTHER PEOPLE from what I felt was the next right step.
Yes it is worthy of positive reinforcement when you have the courage to say Enough of This Crap I'm Leaving, but that's the one job, as Helen said. There are as many experiences as there are schools and I really, really pray you find your niche because you bloody well deserve it !! xxx
Yup, agree with the above about different cultures in different places. Dunno if it will produce anything, but the people who know, REALLY know, what a school is like are often the substitute teachers. In my area there is one school where there are vicious, bloody fights over who gets to do a week subbing because the school is just that good. I don't know if there's any way to tap into that pool of knowledge, but it might be worth a look just to get an idea of what is out there.
And that's the only assvice I have since I still don't know whatIwannaBE when I grow up. I mean other than ridiculously wealthy and, natch, constantly in a state of bliss.
Helen, that thing about everyone taking a long time to become a teacher is really comforting, thank you.
Pierre, some people are just too clever for their own good! Maybe I'm one of them. :)
RTC, yes, it was definitely the right thing for me to leave that school.
Megan, you have a good point and indeed yesterday I was getting some useful goss on local schools from a consultant at a supply agency. And it looks like I'll be doing supply come September, so I'll get a lot of useful insights into local schools that way. Try before you buy, innit.
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