With hindsight it was not only pigheaded of me, it was insane.
I think I wanted to suffer. I'd made a hash of everything else, and I needed punishing. I can't plead ignorance. I had friends who were teachers, I knew what it was like. I even did research and discovered the detail of just how stressful, tiring and traumatic it can be. I knew the drop-out rate. I knew it would be exhausting. And I knew I was in my 40s, had a young family and was still depressed about the previous career I'd cocked up.
But I thought there'd be plenty of jobs. I thought I could be different - be one of the few who enjoyed it.
I had a list of reasons:
1. I'd get to boss people around.
2. I liked the subject and had a degree which had sat dusty on a shelf for the last 20 years.
3. I'd get to perform in front of an audience, all day every day.
4. Kids are cute, energetic and creative. As an ageing husk of a person, I could feed from their youth and vitality.
5. GCSEs are a piece of piss. I could know what I was talking about for the first time in my working life.
6. I could be Socially Useful.
7. I wouldn't be able to skive. There'd be no danger of sitting all day every day in the corner of an office, playing Patience, pretending to work and hating myself for it.
8. There are jobs. People will always need maths teachers.
9. I'm brilliant at teaching stuff to people*.
10. I'd get to go to college and be a student for a year.
11. There's a rigid and detailed training programme. People would tell me what to do and how to do it. Yeah, it'd be difficult but everything would be structured for me. I'd just work hard and do what I was told. Simple.
12. They'd pay for me to do it. They'd even pay childcare.
13. The economy was about to go into meltdown. The funding wouldn't last. I had to do it then, quick, while I still had the chance.
14. I could always get the qualification and then stick it in my back pocket and save it for emergencies. If I didn't like it, I didn't have to keep doing it. It would be two years out of my life. It'd keep me busy, save me having to make decisions for a while.
15. I love telling people how to do stuff.
16. I'd get to boss people about.
17. They would look up to me. They would hang on my every word**.
So I did it. I applied, got the place on a PGCE (teacher training course), packed my satchel and headed off to college, with a song in my heart and a spring in my step, excited and raring to go.
*Ha. That's all I have to say. Ha. And ha again. With a soupcon of bitter self-hatred.
**The "Ha" is not even necessary here. Right?
3 comments:
Fuck. There are so many things you put on your list that I have on mine. I do, I must admit, find it hard to comprehend that it has been so tough for you. You're the sort of persono I imagine 'they' hold up and waggle about to show everyone else 'this is what a teacher looks like'.
But ok. It took up two years of your life. You've got plenty more. And the Summer Hols to recharge and regroup. No more regret.
There must be other options. We just need to figure out what they are. But, perhaps it's like relationships : we need to let go of one dream before we can commit wholeheartedly to another. Perhaps this just wasn' the right dream for you?
X
I haven't let go of it yet. I'm still looking for teaching jobs for September. It's hard to let go until I've got the damn qualification - otherwise those years really were for nothing.
There's a chance I've just chosen the wrong career path, and the longer I do it the more I'll fail and be stressed and miserable and have my confidence more and more eroded... so that the longer I stick with it, the more damaged and depressed I'll be when I finally have to give up on it, and the more of my life I'll have wasted. But the longer I stick with it, the harder it is to give up on it, cos maybe I can enjoy it and be good at it, and what a waste it would be if I didn't allow myself that opportunity!
Please don't cry, Miss. You're special.
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